alwaysroomforhope | Suite 138: Augh. Or, Steph Is Emo. In a big way.

Everyone leaves.

Steph's not getting out of bed today. Not like there's any reason to, anyway. It's grey and dull outside, and grey and dull inside, and everything just sucks.

Everyone leaves, and you can't stop them, and it's always going to hurt.

No, that's not true. She is getting out of bed. Bed sucks too. Restless, irritable, dismal, she pads bare-foot out to the living room and glares at the TV's blank screen. Fictional characters never have to deal with this kind of thing. It sucks.

Because you care about everyone.

The couch is kicked over and the door to the balcony slammed open, leaving a crack spidering across the glass pane. It's cold and gusty outside today; the wind catches her hair and chills her all over. The floor's icy to her feet, and her pyjamas consist of tracksuit pants and a sports bra, but who cares? It's only weather. She's dead anyway, and people are just going to keep leaving. They always leave. What's physical cold matter?

Everyone leaves.

Even Billy. One day he'll want out, too. It's too good to last. She's too screwed up, and he's too normal, and he's a real hero, anyway, not just a wannabe like her. What's she really got to offer? Not enough to keep anyone. Just enough to catch their interest, and then get hurt by them.

Everyone.

The wind, at least, catches any tears before they fall, and whisks them away from her already chilled cheeks.

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Billy winces.

"I didnt know. I am so sorry..."

He shakes his head.

"I know you were close to him. It showed. I am sorry he is leavbing, Steph."

he bites back half a dozen comments and sighs.

"I am not going to leave you. I wont. I love you and by your side is where I am going to stay."

She flinches, and now she does pull her hand away, although she doesn't turn away again.

"We were screwing," she says, voice harsh. "Until - until you. And he's - Everyone I care about leaves. I can't -" She meets his eyes, painfully. "I can't let that happen to you. I ... I care too much."

he winces again, and swallows, and then reaches for her hand again.

"Stephanie. What is past is past. I love you. You and I are together now and that ... is everything I ever dreamed it could be. I love you and I love being with you and I am not going to leave you. Please. Dont turn away from me, dont push me away. I wont leave you. I love you."

he is crying and he is shaking and he is serious and fervent and never has been moire scared in his life.

She clings to his hand.

"I don't - it just - it hurts," she manages, eyes welling up again. "Why does it hurt so much?"

"Oh, Steph."

His heart breaks for her asnd he pulls her towards him to hug her.

"I dont know. We get attached to some people and they do leave, or die and things get messy, because we get caught up in missing them instead of treasureing what we had with them. Life is about living and we have to live in the now. We can plan for the future, and we can remmber and treasure the past, but we have to live right here, right now."

He sighs.

"I cant tell you why bad things happen, or why you are hurting so, but part of it is because you are a loving soul, and a good woman, and you love and care and that makes you truue and so great and wonderful... and it also costs sometimes, when things go bad, or people leave, or dissappoint you."

he lets his own tears fall.

"All I know is I love you and I wont hurt you."

Steph rests her head on his shoulder and sobs. It feels so right to hold him, and still terrifying.

"I don't want to love you this much," she chokes out. "I'm scared."

He gently rubs her back and holds her close. he winces at her words but nods.

"I know it can be scary. I get scared too, sometimes. Scared you might leave me, scared you might change your mind. Scared it has all been a dream and I am just alone still. I get scared about everything and ... I cant change that. But I know this. I would rather be scared and with you then not scared and without you. I love you Stephanie and it is worth it all, even being scared."

"Sometimes I think so, and sometimes it's - it's just - it's too much." She flinches when his hands touch the fresh grazes on her back, but ignores it. If she doesn't talk now, she never will. "It's - it hurts and it's so right it can't be real. I can't - this is -"

She hides her face in his shoulder again, gulping for air.

"It's too right. It's not - I'm - I don't want to get hurt again."

he winces as he sees her flincha nd jerks his hands away from those cuts.

"Steph... I love you and I wont hurt you. We may disagree, we may even argue and throw tqantrums, but I swear I will love you and talk with you and be here for you. This is real. I wont... I wont hurt you. I am not going to leave you. And I am what I appear to be; a flawed, normal guy. And I love you."

he sighs and hugs her.

"I'm not perfect. I may say stupid things, do stupid things. I may hurt you that way. But it will never be deliberate and never be something done to hurt you. I love you and you are important to me."

"I'm such an idiot sometimes," Steph mumbles, miserably, and tightens her arms around him.

She isn't going to let go, even though she still feels like she should. She - can't. Not when he's - he's Billy.

He pokes her, on a nonwounded spot.

"Then we should go well together. I am an idiot a lot of the time. And I love you. And I am not going anywhere."

he hugs her close, tight.

She flinches, a little, because she still - just can't believe that. It's not possible. It doesn't make any sense.

"I can't - let you go." She makes herself take a deep breath, in and out, and then another. It calms her a little. "I." A sniff. "I want to push you away so you never hurt me. But I can't - I can't let go. I really love you."

hew draws in a breath in surprise and then hugs her again.

"I love you too, Steph. Truly, honestly love you. I will never hurt you. I swear. I prayn tyou never push me away, because I feel like, as long as we are together, nothing else couldhurt me, but that would."

He hugs her again, and shivers.

"God, I have never been so scared as I have been tonight... that you woujld... that you might..."

he shudders, more tears falling.

She wanted to. But she couldn't say it then, and she can't say it now. She shifts one hand to his face, and then brings it away, startled at the tears; and her own face crumples a little more.

Now she's hurting him, and it's just - selfishness, and fear, and - it doesn't make it easeir, to know that. She's still so scared.

But ...

She lifts her head to kiss him, tentatively, ready to pull back as soon as he grimaces or shifts or moves.

He feels her hand with surprise and is even more surprised when she kisses him, but he kisses her back, softly, hungrily.

::Love you.::

It's - she can taste her tears, and his, too, and -

- he cares. He really does. Nobody's - nobody's ever cried over her before.

She doesn't know how to make it better. She's hurt him, and she -

She doesn't know what to do.

She just - kisses him, as lovingly and eagerly and desperately as she can, and ignores the salt on their lips and the unshed tears still hiding behind her eyes.

The future is fear, and the past is misery. There's only this - there's only now.

And the kissing is good, and holding is good... and now, now is good.

And sometimes? That is all you have.

FTB.

Suite 138: Augh. Or, Steph Is Emo. In a big way.

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