alwaysroomforhope | Suite 138: Augh. Or, Steph Is Emo. In a big way.

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Suite 138: Augh. Or, Steph Is Emo. In a big way.

Everyone leaves.

Steph's not getting out of bed today. Not like there's any reason to, anyway. It's grey and dull outside, and grey and dull inside, and everything just sucks.

Everyone leaves, and you can't stop them, and it's always going to hurt.

No, that's not true. She is getting out of bed. Bed sucks too. Restless, irritable, dismal, she pads bare-foot out to the living room and glares at the TV's blank screen. Fictional characters never have to deal with this kind of thing. It sucks.

Because you care about everyone.

The couch is kicked over and the door to the balcony slammed open, leaving a crack spidering across the glass pane. It's cold and gusty outside today; the wind catches her hair and chills her all over. The floor's icy to her feet, and her pyjamas consist of tracksuit pants and a sports bra, but who cares? It's only weather. She's dead anyway, and people are just going to keep leaving. They always leave. What's physical cold matter?

Everyone leaves.

Even Billy. One day he'll want out, too. It's too good to last. She's too screwed up, and he's too normal, and he's a real hero, anyway, not just a wannabe like her. What's she really got to offer? Not enough to keep anyone. Just enough to catch their interest, and then get hurt by them.

Everyone.

The wind, at least, catches any tears before they fall, and whisks them away from her already chilled cheeks.

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"You will," Steph gasps, voice hitching. "You should go. We shouldn't - we're - you should go. Now. Why put it off? Why wait? What are you even doing with me?"

She turns her face up to him, blotchy and pale and tear-stained and irrational, screwed up and utterly miserable.

::"I love you. You make me happy. You are smart, beautiful, kind, fun, thoughtful, brave, honest, and you are the woman I love."::

And he kisses her, once.

::"I love you."::

"No, you don't," Steph contradicts, flinching from his touch, drawing in on herself further, curled up tight and small. "You don't. You can't. If I'm all that then why do people keep leaving me?" The last words are ragged.

"I do love you."

He sighs.

"People die and leave and move on. it is the way of life, Steph. It sucks and it isnt fair and it really is a lousy deal, but it is the way all life is... even life here, at Milliways."

He sinks to his knees before her.

"It isnt your fault and it isnt anything wrong with you. Loving me isnt going to make me leave. I love you and I am here to stay."

Eeryone she's loved has died or left her. She presses back, trying to dig her way through the wall with bare shoulderblades, and shakes her head, wordlessly.

If she lets herself love him properly, he really will disappear, just like all the others. That's not going to happen. She's not going to let it.

He reaches for her again, touching her gently, then dragging her towards him, or trying to.

"Stephanie, please... I love you. I am not going to leave you."

She's shivering, partly from the cold, partly from emotion, and she hasn't got the energy to resist any more.

But she's not going to let him make her care.

She goes limp in his arms and doesn't react, gaze caught on the forest over his shoulder, ignoring the little tracks of blood starting to make their way down her back from where she hit the wall.

He picks her up gently and begins to carry her back to her room.

"I am not going to go away. I love you and I will not leave you. Nothing is going to change that. Nothing."

That's what they all say. And she's not going to let him in, not if it means it'll be him who's gone one day, or shot, or attacked because she's been cursed again.

The warmer air inside hits like a blast of heat, and she realises he's taking her somewhere - she hadn't wanted to - she didn't -

- she doesn't really care. And she can't deny the trickle of safety that she feels, just being held by him, by Billy. And it only strengthens her resolve to push him away.

He carries her to her room and lays her on the ebd, closing the door, then joins her.

He holds her, gently rubbing her back.

"Steph, I love you and I wont leave you. No matter what you think right niow, nothing about you makes people leave or get hurt or killed, none of it is you and I am not going to leave."

And he repeats it and variations of it over and over, boith in word and in mind.

She still won't - can't - won't speak, and she's tense again, even under his gentle hands; muscles corded, back knotted, and still shaking, and she squeezes her eyes shut.

"Billy," she says, eventually, suddenly, voice raw and empty; "you said once you'd leave if I asked you to. You said if I told you to, you'd turn around and walk out the door."

She can't think of anything she wants less - or wants more. If it's the only way to protect him from getting hurt - and to protect herself, too - then it's the only way. She can't deal with this ever again. Barry, and Tim Drake, and Tim Hunter now, and her mother, her father, Dean - it's enough. No more. If she makes everyone go now, then it won't hurt.

His gasp is shocked, torn and broken, but he forces himself to speak, the words forced out thickly. He begins to cry, but he speaks.

"I would never force myself on you. If you...."

His voice breaks, and it is moment before he can speak again.

"If you tell me to go, and you really want me to, I will do so, and never bother you again."

And he winces, heart torn in a thousand pieces as he waits for what he is deadly afraid is coming.

But even he has a breaking point and he gasps out; "Please dont do this... you are wrong... please., Stephanie...please...."

Steph curls up, away from him, tasting blood and ashes.

"don't want to lose you," she whispers, brokenly. "I couldn't stand that."

he shivers, feeling cold.

"Please... give me a chance. Give us a chance. I swear I wont leave you. I do my Rock thing and come here and you are part of my life, so much important to me and I love you, so very much... please, Stephanie... please dont give up on us."

She bites her lip and turns her face into the pillow.

"I can't ... I can't."

Can't tell him to leave - can't physically force the words out. Can't ask him to stay. Can't cope if he leaves; can't cope if he doesn't. Can't figure out what to do, what to say, where to look, who to turn to when it feels like the world's a snowglobe and it's just been shaken again.

Can't even look at him.

A choked half-sob, and she's so cold still.

He searches for words.

"I wont go away, Steph. I love you. I wont turn my back on you and I wont hurt you. I love you. I will never leave you. I love you."

He breathes, tears in his eyes.

"I dont know how to help you, right now, but I am here, and I am not going anywhere. I'll just be here... and no matter what, this love I am giving wont fade."

"everything fades," she whispers, hoarsely. "everything."

Another sob, and one cold hand reaches out behind her back for his, shaking. She knows it's a bad idea. She knows he won't leave if she holds him. He'll stay, and it'll all hurt, again, all over again, and - her hand stops, only a little way out from her body, and she's too scared to move.

He reaches, slowly and takes her hand in his own. He holds on, but makes no other move. Just holds onto that hanbd, warmly, tight.

"Not everything... I love you and I am not going anywhere..."

And he holds her hand and prays silently.

"Everything," Steph says, brokenly; but she doesn't let go, or pull away.

One thing real. One thing to hold on to, and then maybe the rest of the world won't feel so unstable.

Billy's hand is smooth, uncallused, strong and sure.

He holds her hand and doesnt let go and he holds on with a desperation, but not too tight.

"I love you. And I wont go. You... you are the woman I love, the woman I want to be with, always."

Another tear dampens the bedsheets. When he says things like always she wants to hide; she can't promise him always, or even ages. She's scared, and she can't forget that she's dead, that one day - one day it'll be her who leaves.

She shakes her head silently, and rolls towards him, onto her back, eliciting a gasp as the grazes there catch on the sheets. His hand's still there. He hasn't left, even if he should.

"I don't - I can't - you'll get hurt. I'll get hurt. This is - it only ever ends in pain. Everything does."

She still can't make herself ask him to leave.

He holds onto her hand tight, not leaving. Not at all.

"I love you. I am not leaving. And we dont have to be hurt, Steph, not if we love and respect one another. We dont have to be hurt. We can learn to be happy, together."

He watches her and winces when he hears her gasp.

He looks at her, at her eyes.

"I love you."

"No." She shakes her head, looking up at him. "You can't learn happiness. You - it doesn't work. I've tried. And then you came along, and it's been so good, and - and it's - I can't - can't deal, I don't know what to do, I don't understand..."

"What happened, Steph? Talk to me, please. What is happening that has suddenly changed things?"

He clutches her hand and watches her.

She closes her eyes and swallows a sob. "Tim. Hellspawn. He's leaving."

Which - maybe Billy doesn't know, didn't know, but it's - She hadn't loved him. But she'd come so very close. She liked him more than she'd liked Dean - Carrie's father. And now he was leaving.

And she likes Billy more. He'll leave too, and it'll tear her apart, and she can't stand the thought...

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